Last moments

I think it is funny how you can tell a lot about a person by what they post on social media.  For instance, looking at my Instagram, you will learn that I like theater, New York, food and flowers :-)  I probably post a picture of flowers at least once a week because I buy a new bouquet at least once a week.  It has gotten to the point that my home feels incomplete without some fresh flowers hanging out somewhere.  

Want to put a smile on my face? - buy me flowers :-)

I had a birthday about a month ago and was blessed to receive a couple of bouquets of flowers.  I even had a dear family send me flowers at work.  

Want to REALLY put a smile on my face? - send me flowers at work :-)

These flowers stayed on my desk for a few days before I took them home for the weekend (there is something very wonderful about walking down the street carrying a bouquet of pretty flowers). That Friday evening I stood on the subway platform enjoying the flowers in my hand and thinking about how much they made me happy.  Then I got to thinking about how not everyone shares my love for flower bouquets.  In fact some people don't like them because they just see them as these plants that are dying - and it's true - they are dying.  These flowers are cut off from their source of life and they are actually dying.  But when you take these dying flowers and present them to someone like me, the last moments of their life are spent bringing someone pure joy and happiness.    

In life, we will have many "last moments".  It might be the last moment at a job, in a city, with a loved one ... and the list goes on.  Last moments can be sad and the sadness of a last moment can suck the life out of it.  But last moments can also be used to make lasting memories.  Last moments can be used to bring happiness and joy to someone else.  Last moments can make a lasting impact.  

When I think of last moments, I can't help but recall a very dear loved one - the most important person in my life - someone who used the last moments of their physical life to completely transform mine.  This person literally came to my rescue - I mean LITERALLY came to my RESCUE.  I was dying and they brought me life.  

In case you have not guessed it by now, the person I am referring to is my BFF - Jesus.  Jesus used the last moments of His human life to defeat death.  His last moments were the ultimate sacrifice and paved the way to eternal life in a way that only the perfect Son of God could accomplish.  Jesus' last moments of life brought life - the power of an empty grave.  Now that is using a last moment to do something wonderful :-)  

Once upon a time there was a girl ...

Once upon there was a girl.  She was creative, adventurous and filled with joy.  Her life had taken her to many exciting places and one of the stops along the journey led her to the United States Capital - Washington DC.

She spent many years in DC spending time with wonderful family members, meeting many wonderful people, and being a part of a very wonderful church.  But suddenly life hit her pretty hard (as it sometimes has the habit of doing).  There were lots of circumstances that made it difficult to be around people.  And suddenly that girl that had always been so full of joy found herself feeling very alone and very sad - it was not fun :-(

One day, she had enough.  Sometimes you just need to get away - and so she did.  She took a very spontaneous trip to the city of New York.  One Friday she booked a bus ticket and hotel room and early the next morning she was on her way for a little NYC getaway.

It was the first time she had been to New York in years and when she saw the city skyline her heart filled with joy.

She went to a Broadway show:

She walked through Central Park:

She had bagels and coffee:

There was something about being in New York City that just felt right.  She felt like she belonged there.  But she knew she was just visiting - DC was her home.

Only DC did not feel like home anymore.  When that creative, adventurous, and filled with joy girl left New York her heart sank.  When she pulled in to DC her heart sank even further and the sadness came again.

She had recently made a life decision that meant she was going to be in DC for at least another year and one Sunday night after coming home from a wonderful time in New York, she went to sleep feeling like she had made a big mistake.  

The next day that creative, adventurous, sad girl went to work and as she rode the bus into the district her sadness bubbled inside her.  But then she received an email that changed the course of her life.  There was a change in circumstances and she was released from the commitment that would keep her in DC.  She felt free and while the situation could have been stressful, she was relieved.

And then she had a thought...

“God, are you releasing me to move to New York?”

She pondered that question.  She prayed.  She talked to trusted friends and family members.  She began to think about the great big leap of faith it would be to move to New York.  

Then she started stepping out.  Long story short, she found housing through a wonderful friend, sold her car, quit her job, and took a leap into the great unknown.  It was a little bit scary and while she dealt with the stress of finding a job in New York City, she sometimes doubted her decision - but she never regretted it.

You probably already guessed - that girl is me.  Moving to New York was a huge risk.  I have taken lots of risks in my life and I have to say this is one of my favorites.  I am so in love with this city.  It instantly felt like home.  It’s not perfect and there are hard days, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I cross the bridge from Brooklyn to Manhattan or emerge from the Subway into the city, my heart swells with gratitude.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world :-)

Musical Monday "Holding on to Hope"

Tonight I did some art journaling inspired by the photo a day challenge I am doing.  Today's prompt was "Hope" so I decided to do a page on hope.

I really don't do enough art journaling.  I love starting with a blank page, putting a backwash of color and just seeing what happens.  This page is not my favorite page, but so many times it is more about the process and what God speaks during the process than it is about making something pretty.

When I was making this art journal entry there is a song by Jenny and Tyler that came to my mind - "Holding on to Hope"

I was introduced to Jenny and Tyler back before Christmas.  This song meant a lot to me in that time.  December was a fairly rough month and those words "holding on to hope" penetrated into some pretty empty places.

Isaiah 40:30, 31 "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Sometimes, I think that we just need someone to tell us to not give up (well, at least I do anyway).  So I will just go on and say it for anyone else who may need it - Don't give up.  Have hope.  God really does see everything and He really does have your best interest at heart.  Put your hope and your trust in Him.  He loves you and only wants the very very very best for you.  Hold on to hope :-)

Holding on to Hope - Jenny & Tyler - Faint Not - Copyright 2010 One Eyed Cat Music (BMI)

Music and Lyrics by Tyler Somers (BMI) and Jennifer Somers (BMI)

People I know around me float past with the debris
Saying they don’t mind, such is life, as they float on down the street
I heard the worst is to come, I heard the words
'Look above and find your home in Me
In this storm

I’m holding on to hope, hope, hope
And never letting go, no, no
Even when the storm it grows, hope, hope
Will never let me go, no, no
‘Til I go on home

People build homes using pieces of broken virtue and philosophy
When people place hope in people I notice even more broken dreams
I know that time is so short, there’s something in store, a home I’ve never seen
In this storm, o in this storm

I’m holding on to hope, hope, hope
And never letting go, no, no
Even when the storm it grows, hope, hope
Will never let me go, no, no
‘Til I go on home

Only a trace, no face to face
So here I wait with this poor reflection
Running a race, scared I’m going to break down
Give me strength, Your protection
Only a moment, a passing of time
Until the day when faith is sight
Only a moment, like a flashing of light
So keep me safe, keep me nigh
Keep my way homeward bound
When the rain’s pouring down
Keep me safe, keep me safe

I’m holding on to hope
Never letting go, no, no
‘Til the day I come on home, hope, hope
And finally fully know

Nothing left?

Hello world.  Just thought I would drop in with some musings and share a little bit from the heart.

There is something that I read the other day that really hit home.

Genesis 1:1, 2a "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty..."

The story goes on to describe God creating this majestic world that we live in.  But in the beginning, it was "formless and empty".

God created something out of nothing.

Have you ever felt like you have nothing left to give - just ... empty.

I know I have.

But God can take our nothing and turn it into a beautiful masterpiece.

He sees all the heartache.  He sees the pain.  He sees the empty places ... and He fills them.

So if you feel like you have nothing to give, give God your nothing.  Present your blank canvas and ask Him to create a masterpiece.

Source: Uploaded by user via Melinda on Pinterest

Photo a day recap (Day 14 - 20)

Day 14

January 14

Something you are reading

I have subscriptions to three magazines - Fitness, Whole Living, and Traveler.  Fitness and Whole Living always seem to arrive on the same day.  It's mailbox healthy day :-)

Day 15

January 15

Happiness

I was listening to my "Happy Running List" playlist while getting ready for work.  I love this playlist.  The music puts a smile on my face and gets me moving.  It is also my favorite running list and contains my all time favorite song.  I know that I have probably shared this video before, but just in case you haven't seen it, here it is again:

("Smilin' so hard my mind looks like a capital U" - love that line!)

Day 16

"Morning"

January 16

It was a rough morning ... getting out of bed was sooooo hard.  I had to rush and missed my morning coffee and bagel, so I stopped at the deli in my building.  They actually have awesome coffee - hazelnut flavored.  This sister needs her caffeine :-)

Day 17

January 17

Water

Just water running from the faucet.  I took this picture at the end of a not very good day.  I was feeling very discouraged after some things that happened in my day.  As I was on the metro coming home, I thought about water and it's cleansing properties.  It washes away dirt and nourishes our body.  I definitely needed to wash away a bad day.  So, I had a glass of wine and took a lavender scented bath :-)

Day 18

January 18

Something you bought

How cool are my new running shoes!!  I was so excited to see them come in the mail.  I bought them in the store a few days earlier, but had to place an order if I wanted the hot pink ones.  And of course I wanted the hot pink ones :-)  They make me smile.  I tried them out today and I love them.  However, after about 3 months of no running, I definitely have a lot of ground to gain back.

Day 19

January 19

Sweet

I was pretty pleased to realize that this was about the sweetest treat in my possession - that was before today when I discovered the chocolate covered espresso beans in the back of the pantry :-)  I actually really love this juice.  I discovered it when I was sick a few weeks back.  It's a great juice for when you are not feeling well - or for when you just want some immune system boosting juice :-)

Day 20

January 20

Someone you love

I love Jesus so much and I have been thinking about grace a lot.  Grace is so amazing.  So many times I feel like a complete screw up.  I feel like I let God down and I let myself down.  But regardless of whatever happens, grace is always there to rebuild and restore me.  I am learning to receive it and I think that this word "grace" is a big theme for me this year.  It's definitely an area that I am growing in.  For someone who is really hard on themselves, grace is like a breath of fresh air - I just need to remember to inhale it.

Photo a Day challenge recap (Days 2-6)

I am doing a photo a day challenge that I found on Pinterest:

Source: instagr.am via Melany on Pinterest

I thought that I would do a recap of each week here on my blog.  So here it goes:

Day two (because that is when I actually started)

January 2, 2013

"New"

This is a new bowl that I bought at Anthropologie (My favorite store.  I love you Anthro!).  They have had all their clearance marked an additional 30% off.  That sale ended today (sad face).  

Day 3

January 3, 2013

"Something I adore"

I had a lot of difficulty with this photo prompt.  I struggled because "adore" is such a strong word and seems a little much to describe a thing.  So, I went with something that I really enjoy and I do really love the display that I have on my bedside table.  I like decor with an antique/vintage feel to it.  The lamp is something that I found at a thrift store and you can tell it is vintage just by looking at the plug.  The photo is one of my favorites of my Mama Doris and Papa.  I just love old photos!!  

The photo sits on top of a stack of books one of which is a very old copy of "Kim" by Rudyard Kipling.  It caught my eye when I was at my grandmother's house.  I just loved the old vintage binding, so she gave it to me.  

The crystal votive holder is the first gift that I ever received from Tiffanys.  There is actually a cool story behind it.  

One year for Christmas my mom started this thing called a "theme gift".  Basically it is a bunch of gifts in a bag that all have a common theme leading to the last "big gift".  For this gift, first I opened a pair of really long black opera gloves and thought perhaps there would be tickets to a show at the end.  Then I opened a tiara and thought, "Um, ok."  The next gift was the movie "Breakfast at Tiffanys" and I thought I had reached the end.  "Oh, I get it - Breakfast at Tiffanys.  The gloves and tiara like what is on the cover of the movie.  Cool."  But my mom told to keep going - there was one more.  And then I saw it - the blue box with white ribbon.  At that point, I did not even care what was inside the box :-)  I just exclaimed "Is this really from Tiffanys?"  To which my dad replied, "It better be." I think he was thinking of the price tag :-)  I opened the box to reveal the crystal votive with a Tiffany scented candle.  The candle is long gone, but that little votive holder is pretty special to me.  I love how it looks with my pearls sticking out of it.  I like pretty things especially when they come from Tiffanys :-)

Day 4

January 4, 2013

"Letterbox"

This box is my most treasured possession and I will probably get a little teary eyed just writing about it. This box holds notes and letters from very special people.  Each piece of paper in this box has words of encouragement written on it.  When I am feeling really down about myself, this box helps to remind me of who I really am and what people think of me.

This box got started on my 21st birthday and I am going to tell another story about my mom that is going to make you wish she was your mom :-)

For my 21st birthday my parents took me to a fancy restaurant to celebrate.  It was a very special evening.  I received this gift containing a box of notecards and it made me cry right there in the middle of that fancy restaurant.  

My mom had contacted all my friends and family and asked them write "My favorite Melany memory".  That is what each note card said:  

She made all these cards, embossed the word "Memories" on the front of each one, sent them out to people with a return envelope, and put them all in this box for me.  The first note that I opened was the following:

That's when the waterworks started :-)  I was so overwhelmed as I sorted through the many cards inside.  There were too many to read sitting there in the restaurant so I finished them when I got home - and got no sleep that night :-)

It is by far the best gift that I have ever received.  Over the years I have added to this box.  In fact it is so full that I need a new box :-)  It is one of my most treasured possessions and I will tell you about my other most treasured possession in a little bit :-)

Day 5

January 5, 2013

"Something you wore"

A smile.  It's the world's greatest accessory.  It looks good on everyone and makes the world a brighter place.  I was listening to the following song when I took this picture:

Give it a listen.  It will make you smile :-)  And while we are speaking of smiling ...

Day 6

January 6, 2013

"Makes you smile"

This is my other most treasured possession - my journals.  I am a huge advocate for journaling.  More on my journaling journey here.  These notebooks tell my story - and what a story it is.  I love reading through my journals.  It reminds me of where I have been and how God has always come through for me.  There are lots of smiles and lots of tears poured out in these journals.  There is lots of triumph and lots of heartache.  Each story ends with God's faithfulness shining through and when times are tough I like to look through them and be reminded of how my Father in heaven will never leave or forsake me.  He has been and always will be good. 

There is week one of the Photo a Day Challenge.  I think that when all is said and done, I am really going to love having this to look back on.  Fun times :-)

I'm freaking out

Have you ever had a moment in life when something happens that causes you to stop, take a step back, and realize that this is not in a million years where you thought your life would lead to?  That's where I am right now - and sometimes it makes me hyperventilate a little bit.

So what has led to my grand moment of realization? - a change with my job.  It was a temporary job and now it has become permanent.  I have reached the moment with this job that I have been waiting for months to see come to fruition.  Now here it is - so why is it freaking me out so much?

I'll tell you why.

It makes me feel like this is where I am settling down.  And I never would have thought that I would settle down here - Washington, DC.  I was supposed to be passing through for one year.  That was the plan.  One year - then off to Asia ... I have been here 3.5 years.  

Over the past few days it has really been hitting me hard that my accepting a permanent position at work means that I intend to be in this job for at least a few more years.  That means that this is my home - and I don't quite know how I feel about that.  Don't get me wrong - DC is great, but it is definitely not where I pictured myself for a lengthy amount of time.  

My life plans and expectations are rarely met the way I envision they would be.  But when things don't go the way I thought they would, it's always because there is something better waiting on the horizon.

Years ago, there was an event that turned my world completely upside down.  After learning that I was being laid off from my job, God led me to Isaiah 55: 8,9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  God wound up taking the event of me losing my job and used it to launch me on a journey into destiny - a journey that literally took me around the world.

Honestly, I don't fully know where my place is here in DC.  But the way I see it - God has me here for a reason, He is keeping me here for a reason ... and I look forward to seeing what the future unfolds :-)

Source: lustlovepain.tumblr.com via Rachel on Pinterest

I'm just a thingamabob on a journey of faith

Warning - this post is pretty honest ... but it ends well :-)

Lately life has been less than wonderful.  I have struggled against a deep desire to throw my hands in the air and scream, "I give up."  My faith has taken a beating and there has been a battle that has found me faced with a decision.  Do I keep pressing on or do I give up?

"Giving up" came close to winning.  Life has been hard, frustrations have been mounting, disappointment has been rampant ... I have been weary.  There's tired and then there's weary - I have been weary and losing the will to fight for the fullness of life.

I began to consider, "What would it mean to give up?"

I realized that giving up would mean that the last 20 years of my life have been a lie.
Giving up on my faith in God would mean that I had given myself to something that was false.
But I have a lifetime of experiences that prove that this journey I have walked with the Lord is real and it is truth.

My faith is the very center of who I am.  Without it, I am skin and bones with no life, no breath.  That might be difficult for some to understand.  I can't explain it other than the reality of my own experiences.  It is my truth.

A little story of faith lessons in car problems:
Back in June I had some car problems.  I had to get a new battery for my car.  It was pretty frustrating, especially when I thought that everything was fixed and then my car stopped working again.  I popped the hood of my car and noticed something.

The thingamabob (I'm pretty sure that is the mechanical term) was not connected to the terminal.  Therefore there was no charge to power my car.  Somehow it had come all undone:  

So I fixed it.  I scrubbed the terminal with a brush doohickey (there's another mechanical term for you):

I gave it a good tightening: 

(and yes, I did actually take these pictures months ago to document that I can be a grease monkey)

Made sure it was good and tight - and I have not had another problem with it since then.

This car problem (which took place in June) was the icing on the cake of a really really bad week.  I was discouraged.  But as I was fixing my car, I felt the Lord speak to me:  He is the battery that charges me.  I have to connect myself to the terminal.  

I am the thingamabob :-)  

If I am not being charged by the Source, life just does not work.  Without my faith in God, life does not work.  I can't walk through this world without God by my side.  

I am so thankful for how God has poured encouragement into my life during the last week.  Through encouraging words from friends and even fun packages coming to my home, God has whispered: "I am here."  And that is a truth that I can count on.

My heart's cry

There is this song that has been on my heart all week long.  It's the song "Give Me Jesus".  The chorus goes like this:

"Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world, just give me Jesus."

I love this song.  It's actually quite possible that I might have downloaded three different versions.  I just love it that much.  It's actually also possible that I might play these three downloads over ... and over ... and over.

It really just lifts my spirits.  It's how I want to live my life - what I desire to stand for.

"You can have all this world, just give me Jesus."

Even when I have nothing, I have everything because I have Jesus.

When the world seems to cave around me, it's ok because I have Jesus.

When I am all alone, I am in good company because I have Jesus.

My Jesus is my favorite.  No one compares to Him.

I just felt like sharing that :-)  Jesus - He's awesome and so worthy of all my affection.

Enough is enough

I can't sleep.

I woke up about 2 hours ago thinking that my alarm was going to go off any minute.  So I laid in bed trying to soak up those last few minutes of sleep.  Finally I succumbed to my alertness and dragged myself out of bed only to find that it was a little bit after midnight.  Sigh - evidently my body thinks that 2 hours of sleep is enough (it is wrong).

But really it is my mind that leaves me in this state of insomnia.  It won't turn off.  I really wish that it would, but my thoughts have been doing overtime - and it's not super fun.

My last few moments of alertness before drifting off to my 2 hour sleep were spent asking God to turn my thoughts off.  To take away all the ugly things going on my head.

My mind has been a battle ground lately.  I have been confronted with an arsenal of lies.  They are not new lies.  It's the same ol' battle shooting arrows at my self worth.  And though I have faced these thoughts before, I find myself struggling to embrace truth.

God spoke three words to me tonight that serve as a shield to ward of the lies:

"You are enough"

I am enough!!

I am beautiful enough because He made me.

I am kind and compassionate enough because He sees the genuineness in my heart to love others.

I am likable enough because He likes me.

I am strong enough because His strength is mine.

I am wise enough because He gives me wisdom.

Even in my greatest downfalls and weakness, I am enough because He is enough and He gives me everything that He is to cover my faults.

So, I am not perfect - but I am enough.

Fighting off lies is a continual war for me, but realizing them for the toxins that they are wins one battle at a time.  I just need to surround myself with truth.  For me, this means listening to worship music, spending time reading the Bible, and writing myself words of encouragement.  My favorite place to write encouraging words is on my mirror with a dry erase marker (for me, that is where the greatest fight against lies is fought - standing in front of the mirror):

So, if you find yourself waging war against the thoughts in your head, just know that you are enough.

And for another great blogpost, check out what the amazing Jessica has to say HERE.  Seriously - she is awesome.  Go read it :-)

Arguments with God

Today I escaped to Great Falls to spend some time with God.

Life is pretty crazy right now and my discouragement hit the ceiling last night. I felt the need for a getaway today and drove out to Great Falls, VA.

I hiked out to find a sunny spot on a rock, sat down, pulled out my journal, and said "Ok God, let's talk."

I love that I can be completely honest with God because He knows all the thoughts in my head anyway.  I really just needed my moment of recognizing how I was feeling and being honest about it.

God revealed to me areas of my life that are - hmmm, how to put it - in need of improvement :-)  I found myself saying, "But God I..."and my excuses always come up short.

I realized that there were many areas where I was not turning to God and completely trusting Him.  I felt Him ask me, "Melany, when have I ever not provided for you?"  I tried to come up with a good example and had some things come to mind, but every time I came up with something, I was reminded of His hand in the situation.  It always worked out in the end - EVERY - SINGLE - TIME.

God has never ever left me hanging.  He has always provided for me.  Even as I reflected on my current circumstances, I was able to see that He is here with me working things out.

When I look past God's Presence in the present, is when things start getting stressful.  I just need to continue to rest in His peace because, as He reminded me today - He has always come through for me ... and He is not going to stop coming through now.

So, I learned today that there is no use trying to argue with God - He is always right and He is always good.

We will run

Today I had a pretty good run and wanted to share a revelation that I had.  There has been a lot going on in my life lately.  Basically, times are just tough.  Right when I think that life is going to start moving ahead and I feel like I am closer to getting my head above water - BAM!  Something comes along to knock me back a step.  

I recently had a "bam" moment - a really big one and to be completely honest, I really just don't know how things are going to work out.  It's one of those things, where I feel like I should be really stressed out and crying all the time - but I'm not.  I am straight up in the middle of a hardship, but really and honestly, I am grateful for it.  I think that if we allow ourselves to enjoy the treasure of hard times, we will find the peace of God which passes understanding and we will find Him so very near and dear in the midst of difficulty.  And that closeness to the Lord of the universe is a priceless gift.

The past few days I have been fighting against discouragement.  As much as I really do believe I am leaning in and trusting God, sometimes the reality of life, becomes a little bit toooo ... well ... real.  Today   I was running and listening to the worship set for this Sunday at DC Metro Church on my Ipod while I ran.  It's a good mix :-)  

There I was runnin', and listening to my music, and thinking, when all of a sudden something happened.  It's like I felt the presence of someone coming up beside me and I had this revelation of Jesus joining in and running alongside me.  I felt the Lord say, "I am here running alongside you."  I thought about the current events in my life and I told God, "I'll do it.  I'll keep running."

It was a great run and I went further than I have gone in a long time (I'll be ready for my 5k before I know it).  As I neared the end of my run, I was reminded of that poem "Footprints in the Sand" and how sometimes there are footprints in the sand because those are the moments when Jesus carries us.  But then there are also the sneaker prints in the dirt - the moments when He runs right along with us, sweat pouring from his forehead.  That seems to be where I am right now.  

I really wish that there were adequate words to express my relationship with Jesus.  I wish that I could truly invite you in to my moments with Him.  I absolutely love how He is with me each and every moment.  Today I was even thinking about how I don't have much, but because of Jesus I have everything that I need.  He is my everything.  You can even say that he is my running buddy :-)

I just felt like sharing that today.  You can read more workout revelations by clicking HERE.  I also have a battery powered faith post coming soon.

And on the subject of running, I am officially signed up for the Color Run 5k in DC on October 21st.  Exciting times.  Check out the video:

I am beyond excited :-)

You Have No Power Over Me!

Today I was sitting outside spending some time with God.  In the midst of trying not to stress and fix the circumstances in my life, I found myself needing to just back away and spend time with my Lord.  All of a sudden I was distracted by lots of thoughts that have been going through my head lately and I found myself going down the destructive road of believing that I am not worthy of good gifts.

I'll admit that there are just certain areas of my life that I have so often struggled with feeling like I am not good enough to receive in.  Lies began creeping into my thoughts when I all of a sudden I felt the reality of an internal struggle.  It was time to begin fighting off the lies that too often capture me and hold me in the bondage of feeling like I am not beautiful, not good enough, not likable, and not worthy of good gifts.  It is almost as if I could literally feel the chains wrap around me and all of a sudden my eyes were opened to the battle.  The enemy knows where to hurt me most and as I had the realization of what was really going on in my thoughts, the words, "You have no power over me" came into my mind.  It immediately reminded of a scene from the Labyrinth:



My revelation was the very simple realization that Satan has no power over me.  I know that he tries to hinder truth from penetrating my heart.  I have been on a road of realization in the last few months - my eyes being opened to how God sees me and who I really am.  Satan has had too much victory in my life in how I view myself.  But, he has no power over me.  The truth is that I am cherished, valuable, special, and worthy of great things in my life.  I am beautiful, empowered, joyful, and my heart for Jesus delights my Lord.  I'm not gloating.  I am just stating facts - and I need to state them more often because they are the truth of who I am.  I'm a priceless treasure to a wonderful and loving God.  I pray that you may live in the same realization.  He loves us all so very much.

Rest for the weary

I have been thinking about the difference between being tired and being weary.

Tired is based on a lack of sleep.  It can many times be fixed by a trip (or 3) to the local coffee shop.  Latte, please :-)

But weary ... oh weary is a vicious animal.  It is physical, emotional, and spiritual.  It is fatigue deep into your innermost being.  Weary begs you to give up.  It tells you that you just can't go any further.  20 lattes won't fix weary.

There is only one answer for weary:

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

A yoke is a beam that would be placed on the neck of two oxen, so that they could work together to carry a heavy load.

Source

Jesus tells us to take His yoke upon us.  Picture it if you will:  Jesus walking right alongside you - linked to you - right in step with you - carrying the burden WITH you.  

The burdens that we carry are just that - burdensome.  But they are also precious cargo.  We don't see them that way when we are going through it, but they are being used to mold and shape us for greatness which is a great gift (if we will accept it).  

Seeing burdens in this light, helps me to keep a positive attitude.  There is a helper, Who always has my very best interest at heart.  There is peace in His presence, no matter what else is going on.

A little ditty I wrote

Can I just be honest?  2012 has not been very good to be so far.  Without going into detail, let's just say that last week was rough - really really rough - like "where in the world is my life going" rough.  The following song by All Sons and Daughters pretty much encapsulates how I was feeling:

I came across the song at the blog Julia's Poppies.  The author Jamie, has great taste in music :-)

There are times in life when it can feel like the world is crashing in on us, when we feel like the carpet is pulled out from under us and we can be left wondering where in the world we went wrong.  It may seem like God is absent as we search for where He is in the midst of our circumstances.  But He is never absent.  He can see everything at all times and there is nothing in the world that could ever change that.

In the midst of working through some of the stuff going on, I picked the guitar up and the other day I wrote a song.  It all came together really quickly and I began to see that writing a song can be a bit like musical journaling.  It has been good for me.  I have never enjoyed playing the guitar as much as I have the last few days and it has never come as easily to me as it has the last few days.  I think it's a God thing as playing has really been bringing some rest and peace to my soul.

I felt like sharing the words of the song that I wrote:


Cast Your Cares


At a point of great surrender
In a lost and weary place
He cries out amongst the darkness
Saying, "I will light the way"


Oh, you can put your trust in Me
Oh, I see things you do not see


When I cannot bear the heartache
When the world is closing in
He whispers with deep affection
Saying, "Here's my peace.  Now enter in."


Oh, you can put your trust in Me
Oh, I see things you do not see


Cast your cares on me
Cast your cares on me 
And I will carry you through the storm
Cast your cares on me
Cast your cares on me
My child, I'll keep you safe from harm 


Oh, you can put your trust in me
Oh, I see things you do not see
I see you ... and I am right by your side

Perhaps one day I will even be bold enough to record this song and share it ... and on that day we can also marvel at the pigs flying around in the sky :-)

Goodbye hair - an update

If you will allow me liberties, it is about to get a little heartfelt up in here :-)

I cut off all my hair to donate to Locks of Love - an organization that makes wigs for children losing their hair to cancer treatments.  If you want the truth of how I feel about this drastic cut of mine, here it comes.  If you don't want the truth, you might want to stop reading now :-)

Truth be told, I am not a fan of this new haircut and really trying to not have regrets :-(  My hair has never been this short.  I don't even want to post a picture (but I will ... at the end).  A little "whoops" moment, led to having to go a little bit shorter than anticipated and in the end I was a little shocked.  Throughout the whole haircutting experience, I just kept saying (with a smile on my face), "Just do what you need to fix it."  "It's ok."  Laugh, laugh, smile, smile.  I did not want the girl cutting my hair to feel bad.

But the honest truth is that I am struggling with the reflection in the mirror.  It's shocking and I just keep telling myself that it will grow in to some normality in a month.

I try to reflect on the reason I decided to cut off all my hair - to help someone else.  I don't have a lot to give, so it really does feel good to give what I have.  A small gesture of taking scissors to my hair will help a child battling cancer and also bless a parent who just wants their child to feel special and normal.

As I don't like what I see in the mirror, I can't imagine what it must feel like to look in a mirror and have an absence of hair remind me of an illness that ravishes the body and takes away life.

It's amazing how much something as simple as a hairstyle can really effect self esteem.  It is vicious lies that don't give an accurate representation of what is reflected in the mirror.  As one who has always struggled with how she looks (and I know I am not alone there), this little hair incident gives me a greater opportunity to seek the truth of what looks back at me in the mirror.

What is the truth?
- I am created by a Master Artist and He has made me beautiful.  I am a reflection of His glory, His love, and His beauty.

Song of Songs 7:6 - "How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!"
Psalm 45:11 - "The king is enthralled with your beauty.  Honor him for he is your lord."

In the past I have raved about my favorite book (which I will be re-reading in this season).  I even gave one away.  The book is called "God Loves Ugly" by Christa Black.  It's actually out of print right now (but coming back in September 2012), so I am so grateful for my parents sending me another copy for Christmas :-)

Here is a video of Jordin Sparks singing the song from the book and sharing what it means to her:


Here is another song that I anticipate I will be listening to alot :-)

I know that I am not the only one that has these moments of struggling with what is in the mirror, so I write in this state of vulnerability knowing that there might be someone else who needs it too.  I am not fishing for compliments, just sharing my heart and struggles - grateful for the journey because I know that in the end there is a precious gift of worth and value that God bestows on me :-)

Oh right, I promised a picture didn't I - well, here ya go:

At least my smile has not changed :-)

Some thoughts on worship

I have been thinking about worship a lot lately and God is in the process of challenging me to go deeper and step into more.  I am the kind of person that feels most comfortable standing in a corner in the back of the room singing to my Lord.  I don't think that I am alone in that.  It can be difficult to be in church around a bunch of people and engage in deep levels of intimate worship.  "Can people hear me singing?  Will others think I am crazy because I just can't stand still?"  My ideal setting to worship the Lord is in a room all by myself, with lots of space and art supplies - a place where I can sing, dance, and make art unhindered.

To me worship is a moment of intimacy and sometimes I get to concerned with others seeing my intimate moments.  But the thing is - it really really does not even matter what other people might think.  My worship is my moment with the Lord.  It's not about anyone but myself and my Savior.  Sometimes we are afforded the opportunity to be completely alone in unhindered worship to God.  And sometimes our worship is in a corporate setting - this is where our worship becomes a public display of affection.  When you see a couple that is in love, there are moments that you can see it through their own public displays of affection.  They are so lost in love that the world disappears around them.  Think about a wedding.  It's an event to mark a couple who are so deep in love that they are pledging their life to one another.  I love watching a bride and groom dance their first dance as husband and wife.  They always seem to be absolutely lost in the moment.  It's like you look at them and you just know that everything else has disappeared.  That's what I want my corporate worship to be like - to absolutely get lost in a moment and have the world disappear around me.  I want my worship to be a public display of affection to my Lord.  When you love someone, you don't really care who knows it.  I love my Lord so very much - and I want my life to reflect that in every way.

Light my path

Psalm 119:105 - "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."

One thing I am certain of in my life's direction...

Ever have that moment of looking around you at a tiny room filled with  stuff you are trying to pack up to move (eh, somewhere) and then find yourself longing to just have a home where all your stuff is located in one space, where you can actually put your books on a shelf?  Longing for a time when you can walk through Pier 1 Imports without crying because you don't have a home to decorate?  Surely someone out there can relate ... anyone?


That's where I am right now.  And today I was thinking back over my life.  I was remembering the Christmases that I had decorating my apartment.  It seems so very long ago.  It WAS so very long ago.  I found myself reflecting on when it all changed - when all my stuff got scattered all over the place.  I would move literally every single year.  I went from my parents house to my own apartment, to a duplex with Kylie, to a room in Angie's house, to a room in Reagan's house, to a few months with my parents, to one year in Ozark, to a few months in LA, then a few months back in my parents house, then back to LA for a year on campus, then on to an apartment with Karisse, Amy, and Kat, and then here to DC (sheesh).  In fact, I have currently been living at the same address (with a family member near DC) for more than 2 years.  That is the record over the last 10 years of my life.


Tonight I was thinking about my nomadic life and what has made it so nomadic.  In March of 1999 my purpose and calling was made known to me.  I went to a missions conference at my church and my life literally changed.  I sat in a room listening to a man name Dan Hitzhusen.  I could go into further detail, but it's such a looong story.  I will stop for the moment and let my journal do a little bit of the talking:


"March 20, 1999 ... Last night the Lord led me to Dan's room and he was talking about a mission trip he had taken to India.  [When] he was finished talking he said something that caught my attention.  He said, 'The harvest in plentiful but the laborers  are few.'  I WANT TO BE A LABORER.  I want to get a passport and have stamps - each one being a trip for the Lord ... I am willing to give everything to follow the Lord and I am excited about the places He will take me."


And oh, He has.  He has so faithfully fulfilled that desire.  My passport (though now expired) contains stamps from the Philippines, India, Uganda, Thailand, Southeast Asia, and North Africa.  Each trip being one where I walked forward in serving the people of another country with the love of the Lord.  I have lived a very exciting life ... and it's not yet done.




I'm not kidding when I wrote about crying in Pier 1.  I walked through that store tonight with tears in my eyes.  I thought about my place mats, napkins, glasses, plates, candle holders ... all packed away in plastic containers in grandmas attic.  I drove home, wondering - "What if I had taken a different path?"  And then I realized - I would not trade things for the world.  The experiences that I have had, the people I have met, the cultures I have grown to love, the places I have lived ... it's worth more than a million dollars.  I would not change one single moment.  You can read some more about my million dollar moments here.


My life is filled with so much uncertainty right now.  I am doing a Bible study that presented the question "When it comes to your life, what exactly are you perfectly clear on these days?"  As I reflected on that question, I realized that there is so much up in the air for me.  I don't 100% know what job and housing is going to look like in the months ahead.  But while I don't really know anything about the direction of my life right now, I do know one thing.  I know what happened on March 19, 1999.  I know what God called me into.  I know that my life is set aside to serve Him and that the plan ahead is so much bigger than I can even comprehend.  Things are falling into place, even if I can't see them.  12 years ago I wrote, "I am willing to give everything to follow the Lord".  What are place mats, napkins, glasses, plates, and candle holders anyway?  It's all stuff.  Pretty stuff - and it's not bad to have that stuff - but it's not what really counts and definitely not worth crying over :-)


Well, this has been a very unexpected distraction from my packing.  Now I suppose I should get back to it.  With this current mindset, perhaps my thrift store pile will grow bigger :-)

Yet I will praise Him

It's been a long while since I have posted (sorry about that).

What actually brings me back to this blog is just to get some things off my chest.  Because a blog really is an online journal right?

If you don't mind I am just going to cut to the chase and say what I came here to say - God is good.  No matter what may be going on in our life - He is good and that is that.  Nothing changes it.  He always has been - always will be - good.  I recently re-read one of my favorite books "Knowledge of the Holy" by A.W. Tozer.  In reading it I constantly find myself in awe of how incredibly amazing God is.  The part that impacted me the most this past time I read it is when Tozer talks about how God sees from the beginning of our life to the end in one glance - ONE glance.  He doesn't have to take time to think about it.  He doesn't need to reel through memories.  He sees it all in one glance.  And as if that is not enough, He sees in that one glance for every single human being - for every single creature on this earth.  Who am I to doubt the future, to fear what may come.  The almighty creator of the universe, the sovereign I AM has seen every single bit of it in ONE glance.  He is so worthy of honor, so worthy to be glorified, so worthy of my trust and praise and therefore I choose to give it to Him.

I was thinking a few weeks ago about how everything that God does is a reflection of His love.  God IS love and so everything that He does has to be a reflection of that love.  Even when it hurts, Gods actions are out of love.  It is only because He loves us too much to see us stay where we are.  His love showers us with blessing and His love beckons us into the refiners fire where we are purified.  God is a God of love and His most loving gift to us is His Son.  He gave His Son to come and die a brutal death so that we can spend eternity with Him.  I love my Savior oh so very much.  I can't ever doubt His love for me.  He has done entirely too much for me.  He is my absolute favorite.

I was reading a book recently that reminded me of so many times that God has spoken to me.  Whether it be through His word, a person, a dream, or His still small voice, my experience tells me that God is a personal God that speaks to His children (and I am a child of God).  No matter, what you believe about Him, you can't convince me that He does not exist, because I have heard Him.  I have experienced Him and there is absolutely nothing that can take that away from me.  I have seen Him use difficult situations to launch me into His destiny for me.  I have seen Him provide for me.  I have seen Him use me to touch others.  I have experienced Him using others to touch me.  I have an entire box FULL of journals that are FILLED with stories of His goodness and provision for me.  There are 20 journals actually - I just counted them.  In fact, here is a picture:

God is writing a story in my life - so far it is 20 volumes long :-)  It's my story and no one can tell me it's not real because I have lived it.

So, though life has been throwing some darts at me and I have found my faith taking a few hits, I have come to realize that there is absolutely no other option for me but to press into God - to choose to follow Him.  Without Him I am nothing.  I am finding that in the times when it is hard, I really just have to praise Him.  No matter what is going on, when I praise Him, it shifts things.  When I praise Him, my eyes turn off myself and onto my Father.  So I guess that this post is really just me making a declaration of praise to Him.  I needed a bit of a shift tonight, so I guess I welcome you into the shift.  Have you had a hard day, a hard week?  Are you caught at a crossroads not knowing where to go?  Has life been dealing you blows and you don't know how much more you can take?  Praise Him.  Because He is worthy of our praise.  He really truly is so very worthy of our praise.  He loves us so very much.  I happen to be His absolute favorite.  But guess what ... so do you :-)